Salthamar

I'm going to start writing again, and soon! Though I'd rather not make any promises, you'll start seeing things.

i feel bad for feeling like i should make up for lost time, i feel bad on sundays. but i've pulled my thoughts together and here's what i've come up with:

last weekend was wonderful, i drove through time and heavy rains to be with my friends. we had no plans, i had no direction and the rules of the road didn't matter. though i was hungry for dinner, i ended up at the discount theater watching 'collateral.' i'm lousy at parking, but it was really nice to run in the rain. we ate downtown, it was jazz night, and though it was charming at first, it silenced the conversation, which was limited to lip reading and hand gestures. later, i watched 'scarface', i don't have to explain, eight o'clock came along and i hadn't slept, but i drove fifty miles before Brent took the wheel (sunglasses didn't work, nor did the eye drops. i couldn't keep my eyes open any longer.) i could have napped, but i felt guilty and it seemed impolite, so we made what some people might consider small talk, which is actually pretty normal and lengthy, until we arrived in Minneapolis. we arrived with a little time to burn and because the traffic was fairly light, there was little stress. we drove around and i bought a red vacuum thermos and our tickets to the concert. after driving past at least four parking garages, we finally agreed on the one two blocks away, i realize now that half an hour is still too early to show up for a concert. it was great to hear the unicorns, though i'm not sure if their set was supposed to be longer? my eyes were closed through most of ben kweller, maybe people thought i was really into to the music, but i was actually battling sleep deprivation, shutting my eyes was the only way to think clearly. after the concert, brent and i went on top of the parking ramp and took pictures of downtown by night. i took us quite awhile to get out of the city and even longer to find the suburb, where his brother lives, where we would be spending the night. his three cats were very nose, first inspecting my baggage and then me. they kept doing this throughout the night with one jumping onto my chest, another sitting beside my head. luckily, there was a time change and we got going at a decent time the next morning, ( we stopped at the sculpture garden before heading out of town )  i wanted to go out for lunch, but you weren't feeling well, so i kept driving.

early this week, i found a half completed obituary worksheet for my grandpa on my mom's desk, it was the only thing lying there.  i finally gave in and cut my hair, i don't really like it, but i can't say that i'm totally dissatisfied with it either.  i just wanted it to be shorter again, though i have a funny way of settling for second best, which is best seen in my weekly dressing routine, in which i wear at least one article of clothing that i really dislike just because i feel that i have to wear everything that i own at some point.  i feel like i'm losing interest in every other aspect of daily life, which is why i figure i'm noticing things like this.  i decided to drive through an intersection with my eyes closed, i know it sounds reckless, but i didn't follow through with it.  i was disappointed to find that there was no one driving from the left or the right.  case one.  do you notice me?  i feel like you're making into a creep.  i watch your reflection from the corner of my eye, but i suspect that you do it, too.  wishful thinking?  say anything.  case two.  we know each other through others, i introduced myself, but it seems strange to do it again.  i'll try my best to say 'hi' sometime.  again, there are days when i hardly talk to anyone, which is in someway, what i wanted...but not for everyone.  now, i just have to do something about this visibility.

 

tonight, i called tiffany and wrote most of an e-mail to my host family. thursday was my first day of tutoring english to a boy from china and i saw a movie about the apartheid in south africa and i can't believe how recent everything was. on wednesday, i had norwegian. everything in between went sssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss, though my favorite letter may be 't.' sometimes i feel like i'm getting screwed and you're fucking yourself. ich fühle mich jetzt ganz durchsichtig und unhörbar, ich bin aber mächtig. i have a feeling that i just might board that train.

i'm being reminded of memories that i may have made up in the in the past. the girl, whose mother accused me of calling her daughter a bitch, which i most likely did do. anyways, for some reason i remember her being killed in a speed boat accident? or maybe that was just fantasy. i haven't had many dreams lately, but the ones i have had are just reminders of the things that i've forgotten, i forget who i am. most of my time has been occupied with work at the deli, high school, my norwegian course on wednesdays and cinema 100 on thursdays, there isn't much left over after that. i'm watching a friend's dog for the month of october, which is time consuming as well, but is fairly low maintainance. the norsk høstfest is being held in minot this week and my aunt and i will be visiting on friday. i'm looking forward to my friends' visit on saturday. it looks as though the weather will allow some bike riding later this week, i'd like to experiment with some different kinds of film and the fall colors. fall has been nice so far and oh! i'm looking forward to the snow! this afternoon, i met my aunt at her house for lunch, carrot and ginger soup, what a treat! our exchange student from sweden moved in with his permanent host family yesterday, a shame, he was just beginning to open up to us. this past saturday, i volunteered at the seth family's gandhi peace dinner, which was fun time and a great opportunity to meet some new people. i really need someone. i really need to send off an e-mail to my host family, it's a work in progress. maybe it's time for you to send me a letter? perhaps you can sort this into outline form?

tsol eðánil kè, klåd kjern sjø eþins!

i've had something to say for weeks and it's true, but it's stayed at the tip of my tongue. i feel almost enslaved by both wheat buns and blade and it's nobody's fault, but my own. the lure of the dollar earned without wearing shirts with collars seems a small price to pay for what's to come, though the time i spend chopping an onion while wondering if it's the time i'll cry over when it's gone, is worrisome. it was four weeks ago, while i was peeling potatoes, an it suddenly occurred to me that i had been doing it for hours and not a single thought came to my head, not at all. i feel strange in my home, i feel strange among books, but i feel safe on my bike. i had nothing to do tonight, so i went out on foot, but the streets, they were poorly lit. i saw neither smile nor frown in the windows that surrounded me as i walked through many neighborhoods, they were blank and so dark and it struck me starkly as a reminder that they already were fast asleep. i continued to walk till i reached the old block, where i spent the first years of my life. i wondered if i would someday be that type of guy, who would go to that family and tell them about the time i spent living there, if i would make some things up (i was only five) and would they be impressed by what i had to say? next, i went past a row a trees, where i remember the cotton of spring and the old man annoyed by it all, i was carrying my saxophone and i stopped to relax, but he frowned and then scared me away, so i took that same path across asphalt and grass and stopped at the rock of my youth. a great, big rock that i could never climb until the summer, when i started to grow. it's still not that easy to climb, i used my knee, just liked i did then and took a seeding dandelion with and i blew and i jumped and i wished that _ h_d _ r__s_n t_ st_y.

it's become a habit, a way to start the day

i've been telling myself the entire time that i wouldn't count down the number of days until i go home, but here i am with only seventeen left.  though, i honestly didn't have many expectations when i came here, i did think about the how the end might turn out and i'm glad that i was wrong.  i've been trying to spend as much time as possible with my family and anyone else, who i've connected with.  i've got this project to do for the seminar in berlin next week in berlin and i haven't even started yet.  besides that, i want to photograph all of the small aspects of my life here before i leave.

 

it's not easy for me to remember to say what i mean. although i'm in a caring environment, i'm still vulnerable to loneliness (an envelope, paper, your handwriting + stamp.) so i guess most people have dreams, sometimes calling them hopes, ambitions + goals (both long and short term.) but where does it leave me if i've already fulfilled mine, it was that simple. it's not as though i've never had a dream or that i've dreamt of something unachievable + not exactly in my nature to invent a new one, i can't. i don't actually think i'm hollow, but here i am on the outside, so i'll be here waiting. i'll work on saying what i mean. i forgot to mention the saliva.

i can't remember who i am when i wake up
when i go to bed i see figures standing over me
sometimes i eat lunch alone

this happened...
i wanted to check out TRUCK STOP STILLS, a documentary about the rural north american highways, which was partly filmed in north dakota. it was being shown in gebäude 9, a concert hall, which i had seen as i was walking to the air concert. although it took me awhile to get there at first, i slowly began to remember the way and before i knew it, i was there. but i had been terribly mistaken before, it wasn't gebäude 9 at all and there was no film to be found, the only thing i did find was a building, which was host to a turkish wedding. i've never been so disappointed to hear middle eastern dance music.
...a month ago

i guess i've been slow to post lately

i was in prague last week, where i

1) tortured my liver (in moderaation)

i was there for three days and i just enjoyed myself exploring the city with other exchange students, mainly from mexico and japan. it was easier to get help in german and i saw a hare krischna parade. everything was cheap, you can buy cuban cigars and absinth is legal. our hotel was a cheaper, downgraded twin (lousy breakfast.) my health was on my mind, see number one, i had only slept 7 hours the entire five day and my bowels were congested (i could barely bend down to tie my shoes.) one night, we were dancing in a club from nine until five. i was hit on by three german guys and a girl from australia ((her name was julia!) i went home alone)

i didn't venture out of my character, you just don't know me well enough.

it was strange to come back, like i had been away much longer and i really don't like being away from my family. the exchange is coming to an end, but instead of regretting that i have to leave, i'm looking forward to see what's next. i knew everything would come to an end from the beginning, eleven months is a long time and i'm ready for something new. though everytime my family mentions that date, my eyes water and my stomache aches. the hardest thing will be unpacking the things that didn't contribute to the weight limit.

i guess i had more to say, BUT it's terribly late and kael needs his rest.

by the power of °x°!

no, i will not use web lingo, no i will not use web lingo
take from streetlightpoet and izlude_tingel
1. Who are you?
2. Are we friends?
3. When and how did we meet?
4. How have I affected you?
5. What do you think of me?
6. What's the fondest memory you have of me?
7. How long do you think we will be friends?
8. Do you love me?
9. Do you have a crush on me?
10. Would you kiss me?
11. Would you hug me?
12. Physically, what stands out?
13. Emotionally, what stands out?
14. Do you wish I was cooler?
15. On a scale of 1-10, how hot am I?
16. Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it.
17. Am I loveable?
18. How long have you known me?
19. Describe me in one word.
20. What was your first impression?
21. Do you still think that way about me now?
22. What do you think my weakness is?
23. Do you think I'll get married?
24. What makes me happy?
25. What makes me sad?
26. What reminds you of me?
27. If you could give me anything what would it be?
29. How well do you know me?
29. When's the last time you saw me?
30. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?
31. Do you think I could kill someone?
32. Are you going to put this on your LiveJournal and see what I say about you?

combine handsome add, is there anything else i need to learn? ________________________________________________________________________________________________________. that could be anything, but i'm leaving it here to remind myself of how i feel, how i felt. it means something, what do you think it means? i guess i'm glad that it finally smells like it should and that the trees make the air so humid. i alway have trouble remembering when i've washed my hands, knowing that i've washed them, just not remembering the process. it's scary how automatic some things become. there are still things i need to learn and i'm not ready to leave.
K s
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they told me it ethnic cooking and then i saw the packaging. last night, i hung out with renata and bruna, two exchange students from brazil as well as the american, adam, from arizonal. the cheese buns that they told us to expect were more like cheese balls and tasted more like egg that cheese, but i can't complain? i wouldn't have mentioned that if i had anything else to mention, but...i don't. we watched "pirates of the carribean." it is very likely that there were never any german pirates, okay...maybe in the baltic sea?, but the dubbing was terrible. anyway, i was just looking forward to pirate voices and i got nothing, so the movie sucked in my minnnnd. i've got to study for a history test on tuesday and then i'm going to work more on my language. finally, the evening will probably end with checking out kill bill vol. 2 with corin or a bloody steak sliding down my throat.

last night, i dreamt that i was at the beach with friends and families. i had them wear toilet paper, so i could see who was still swimming and well, to see who had drowned. after noticing that my favorite aunt's toilet paper was no longer waving in the water, i swam out to inspect. she had been hit by a satellite, which fell from outerspace. the trees have got their leaves back and the boulevards are overgrown, and though i rode bike home with renata today, i'm usually on my own, i should try to make some friends? tonight, tiffany and i are going to watch KILL BILL Volume 2 in düsseldorf, dubbed of course.

i've got nothing to complain about. yesterday, my host sister finally had her first communion that i've been hearing about the whole time i've been here. i'd actually consider it a milestone in my exchange year, even though i had to wear the horrible, horrible suit jacket that i brought with, which i've never and whose arms are much, much too small. yeah, i ended up wearing it the rest of the day. i really enjoyed spending time with my host family, especially going to the horse races with my host brother, as well as his aunt and uncle, who actually have a more cousin-like relationship with him because their ages are so close to his. it turns out that i had nothing to worry about with my host brother, it seems like we get along really well and though something could always go wrong, i don't really see that happening. i guess we might have more in common than i thought? well, back to the races, after taking the advice of regina, i betted on horse number seven, seven which happens to be my lucky number. it turns out that my horse did win first place meaning that i nearly doubled my winnings...but i only bet two euros. some people might say luck had something to do with it, i'm pretty sure it was my suit.

i'm afraid that when i'm older, i'll die while i'm cooking something on the stove and then the house or apartment will burn down. be considerate and have someone else do the cooking, old people are dangerous...join the anti-aged league today!

last night, i wanted to check out TRUCK STOP STILLS, a documentary about the rural north american highways, which was partly filmed in north dakota. it was being shown in gebäude 9, a concert hall, which i had seen as i was walking to the air concert. though it took me awhile to get there at first, i slowly began to remember the way and before i knew it, i was there. but i had been terribly mistaken before, it wasn't gebäude 9 and there was no film to be found, the only thing i did find was building, which was host to a turkish wedding. i've never been so disappointed to hear middle eastern dance music.

the day before, wednesday, i finally made my visit to amsterdam. because it was way too nice to be indoors, i spent a majority of my time walking around, exploring the cities canals. besides the stedelijk museum of art, which was closed, i managed to see most of the things i had planned on seeing: the houseboat museum, waterloo market, vondel park, the sex museum, the redlight district and then a cool condom shop. i guess when i look back at what i actually did, it doesn't seem like much, but i like a said before, i enjoyed just walking around. i wouldn't mind living on a boat.

i asked john three of my own and now it's your turn:
I want everyone who reads this to ask me 3 questions, no more no less. Ask me anything you want. Then I want you to go to your journal, copy and paste this allowing your friends (including myself) to ask you anything.

offering deep insight into my personal life, i present...

...You call me...
Kael - if you're a friend, grandparent or school aquaintance
Kaelbud/Bud - if you happen to be my parents, siblings, cousin, aunt or uncle
Karl - if you were in my multimedia class or you misheard my name
Katrina - yeah, you're definetely Claudia or someone she told to call me Katrina
tokyo_kid/keikan/akaei - aw, embarrassing. you met me on activeworlds in the seventh grade.
Leak - you're my aunt carrie
Hoser - you are my dad
Kyle - you tend to be old, a school counselor, ex-boss or someone, who happened to mishear my name
Small Fry/Smalls - you're Julia or Amy...it didn't really catch on
Mrs. Schneider - you're a telemarketer
Mr. Poofy - congratulations! you met me at summer camp in the fourth grade
Triangle Hair - you're nicole, amber or that kid in my spanish class
Käl - you're German, but don't worry, i like how you say my name
Easily Amused - you were in my japanese class

i bought my traintickets for amsterdam today, i'll be going this thursday. other than that, nothing is nieuw.

I'VE REALIZED:
1.)i've got a thing for people with dark hair
2.)i'm terribly prone to painful, painful zits on my chin
3.)they can't hear what i'm thinking
4.)my parents are individuals, ?, i know
5.)düsseldorf is NOT very large, i found a shortcut. smoke and mirrors...
6.)i really don't have an accurate picture of what i look like. meaning, i don't often look in the mirror, i'm always surprised to see my profile.
7.)i've only got to shower once every three days
8.)teeth fixation, i floss twice a day...my gums have stopped bleeding, it just feels good
9.)i've spent days without speaking, it's strange
10.)i spend days moving papers around my room, i might be to hard on myself?

i hope you don't stop reading

weeks have gone by and here i am watching movies that i used to like one year ago. i've had things to write, but i haven't been able to think clearly lately, i haven't really been able to formulate my thoughts. after waking up from the strange dreams that i've been having lately, sometimes it's like i'm waking up without a memory and then i have to start over. during our easter break, i've been spending a lot of time with my host family and getting to know my host brother, who just got back last weekend. it's sort of strange, i guess it might be like having a new baby around? the weather hasn't allowed me much time to spend outside, the bike rides i had planned on, though i have seen a few movies. but with one week left, i've still got places to see with daytrips planned to amsterdam, münster, kaiserswert, köln, aachen with the occasional visit in düsseldorf. it's been interesting observing my host family's easter traditions: the homemade chocolate eggs and dying eggs using onion skins? yesterday, i wrote two letters that i can't send till tuesday.

for some reason i thought that i could relive sunday's magic by taking a slightly altered bike route on my way to düsseldorf, this time crossing the rhine with the ferry. i've sort of lost the urge to write this post, but i'll try to continue, i'll make it short. i mailed my brother a birthday package, almost dropped my camera on a bed of rocks and then got lost in the slums. being lost resulted in stress because i have my german course every wednesday at six. i was fifteen minutes. what else is new? i guess i wanted to mention the theater that i visited yesterday, though it would have been more appropriate to mention yesterday, but i really liked it. first of all, its name, the casablanca. the films shown there are art films, which you wouldn't find at cinemaxx (the only other theater in krefeld because it swallowed the others, except this one, because of its name, the casablanca.) i went to see l'auberge espagnole, by the way. mostly because it was tuesday and the admission is always cheaper on tuesdays aaand i had been wanting to see it. the movie was shown in a very large theater and when you see all of the poorly upholstered seats (fabric draped over and then stapled), you just know there will never be another full house in this place, not in krefeld. and then there was some sort of washing machine noise coming from backstage. till next time, casablanca. you ought to know that you're rather charming. and it smells like summer again, my windows have been open for three days.

but i just want this sex mask, more than anything. please keep your eyes peeled while browsing sex shops. find it, and i just might love you forever.